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Delayed Ejaculation - And How To Overcome It!

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Delayed Ejaculation

Delayed ejaculation has traditionally been seen as a problem caused by physical conditions such as penile insensitivity.

But work by Sandra Leiblum and Bernard Apfelbaum have allowed us to develop a deeper understanding of the condition. As a result, we now know more about why men can't ejaculate during intercourse.

Over the years we've come to realize that there are very few physical conditions which might be responsible for a man's failure to ejaculate during intercourse.

Instead, we've come to understand that the problem is generally one of low arousal. Now, when you think of the the sexual mechanism in men, you aren't usually struck by low arousal as one of the issues that men face on a routine or regular basis!

Yet men are sensitive when it comes to sex. Yes, "sensitive" is exactly the right word.

For men, sexual arousal, and the process from erection to ejaculation, requires a whole series of delicate and complex events which must occur correctly in sequence.

Initially, a man must feel sexual desire. This must be then translated into arousal. Arousal must produce an erection. Then mental imagery and/or physical stimulation must combine together to produce a gradually increasing level of sexual arousal up to the point where the man reaches the point of ejaculatory inevitability.

And at this point the man reaches orgasm and ejaculates. But even there the story isn't complete, because even with an erection, there's no guarantee that a man will ejaculate normally.

If he has a variety of conditions, including prostate problems, then he may experience retrograde ejaculation. This the passage of semen into the bladder.

But, admittedly, even against that background it's hard to imagine the majority of men failing to ejaculate during intercourse.

So really the compelling issue here is why the process of arousal should fail in some men. And the answer seems to be that some men just don't get aroused very much during sex - they have low sexual arousal.

Here we introduce into the equation all the mental and emotional issues that can affect the sexual response in men – and for that matter in women too. Of course, orgasm in women is not something we expect necessarily to happen as a result of sexual intercourse. But in men, we always expect ejaculation to happen and when we are surprised when it doesn't.

So what could it be that causes a man to experience a low level of arousal, arousal that is in fact insufficiently high for him to reach the point of ejaculatory inevitability?

The answer is simple: there are many such factors! Lots of things can cause delayed ejaculation.

For example: a man may mistakenly think his erection is a sign of arousal sufficient for intercourse when in fact he is not really aroused.

This may lead to confusion - "Why can't I ejaculate?" - that kind of thing.

And that may lead to a feeling of inadequacy.

You can see this kind of thing in the morning when a man wakes up with an erection;  this doesn't necessarily indicate that he is ready for or indeed desires sexual activity. It is purely a physical response.

So in other words an erection can occur without arousal.

Another issue: there's an expectation in society that men are always ready for sex, and will be able to have sex with any woman who is willing. But men are just as discriminatory about their sexual partners as women. Suppose a man is trying to have sex with a partner whom he doesn't actually like. He may well find that he is unable to get sufficiently aroused to ejaculate.

But these are exceptional cases. For men with delayed ejaculation, non-ejaculation – or at least a very prolonged period before ejaculation – is the norm.

So it seems we need to explore the emotional and psychological causes of low sexual arousal in men.

For example, maybe a man was traumatized in some way by the sexual experiences he had during adolescence. Or perhaps sex was regarded as a taboo subject, or having negative qualities, in his family of origin.

Other issues more directly related to the man's own psychology include the question of self-image. For example, some men see their penises as so small that they are overcome with embarrassment or shame when trying to have engage with a partner and have intercourse.

You can begin to see a picture emerging here of how emotional issues of one kind or another, based in a flawed "psychology of sex", can contribute to a man's low arousal.

In essence what's happening is that a man may feel some shame, or guilt, or inhibitions – no matter what form they may take – as a result of his current or past experience. And because of them he fails to respond to the sexually stimulating nature of intimacy as and adult.

Instead his sexual responses are governed by the historical events that have caused him some emotional problems.

There is another cause of delayed ejaculation worthy of mention. Bernard Apfelbaum reinterpreted the condition so that our understanding of it is changed. He suggested that delayed ejaculation was actually a problem of arousal - caused by a condition which he called autosexuality in his writings.

His theory, in essence, was that it's entirely possible for a man to prefer sex with himself to sex with partner.

This is not be misunderstood as a homosexual orientation. It's a preference which results from childhood experiences – and by that, we mean aversive experiences with women. These leave a man preferring to obtain sexual relief by masturbation or self pleasuring of one or another kind over sexual interaction with a partner.

You might regard this as perverse, but the sensitivity of the human mind to influences which can interfere with the path of normal psychological development is extremely high.

Comparatively minor problems of one kind or another can cause massive consequences later in life. And as we have attempted to show by listing the sequence of events involved in male sexual arousal, nowhere is this more true than in the process of moving from a non-aroused state to an aroused state, let alone engaging in intercourse with a partner!

So no wonder some men have trouble enjoying a satisfactory orgasm and experience delayed ejaculation.

Treatment of delayed ejaculation

Now what about sorting things out? Is there a treatment for delayed ejaculation? Conventionally we would have regarded treatment as involving psychotherapy to explore issues and emotions from the past. And indeed, this can be useful.

But there are other ways of looking at the solution to delayed ejaculation.

The first of them is the man's own motivation. If he reaches a point in his development where he is determined to overcome the problem, then the transformation of his sexual responses into something much more functional will be lot easier.

So his own motivation and positive attitude are very important as far as a "cure" are concerned. Secondly, his courage and willingness to engage in sexual activities with a trusted partner, can be enormously helpful in overcoming fear and security about sex from the past.

But again this must be underpinned by determination and a high level of motivation. For a man who can't grasp something positive and rewarding enough to make the effort of overcoming his problems seem worthwhile, not much may change.

While social pressures might lead a man with delayed ejaculation into a relationship, there's no guarantee that simply being in relationship with a partner is going to allow him to overcome delayed ejaculation.

What's needed is a cooperative relationship with a partner who is willing and able to help him do whatever is necessary to overcome his lack of ejaculation.

And another important factor is open and honest communication between the partners - communication which takes place in a safe and supportive way.

As we all know, no matter how good our intentions might be in such things, it can be very challenging indeed to establish good, clear and honest communication with a partner.

That's because all too often we are triggered by our historical experiences growing up. We don't respond from what the Transactional Analysis therapists would call an Adult ego state. (A mature place.)

When you're trying to work with something as sensitive as sexual problems, "reacting" to "triggers" presented by other people is extremely unhelpful!

What in essence, therefore, is the solution to this problem?

First, a mature attitude on the part of the man concerned. Second, a willingness to seek help from therapists as and when necessary.

Third, a willingness to communicate openly and honestly about the problem to a trusted partner.

And perhaps more than anything else, there's the need to have a motivational factor which is compelling enough to make the man want to overcome the problem.

Generally, these will all accrue as a man ages. He may ignore or tolerate delayed ejaculation as acceptable in his 30s. But in general in his 40s, the age at which emotional and sexual maturity should really be a man's birthright, he will want a solution.

Fortunately, there are treatment methods available, and treatment can be very successful. Any man who is in this situation (of not being able to ejaculate easily or indeed at all during sex) will find it worthwhile to explore the possibilities and treatment options open to him. You can see these methods here.